I went to a big party with my boyfriend last night. It was a surprise going away party for a few of his coworkers who had recently been laid off. I don't know if I was just in a weird mood or what, but I did NOT want to be there. Everyone was drinking, having a good time, while I just couldn't bring myself to have any fun whatsoever. I was DD, so I didn't have anything to drink, either. I'm wondering if I just get these intense anxiety attacks when I'm around a lot of people that I don't really know too well. It's really not even anxiety... I do get anxious, but I also get insanely irritated. I wanna punch anyone who gets near me and crawl into a hole. It's weird and I've tried just dealing with it, but I definitely don't have a good time around large crowds.
Another thing that bothered me a lot was that there were a few girls there who were thin and beautiful. It made me feel horrible because I used to be fit and looked good in what I was wearing. Now I bulge out of my bras, getting the back fat roll. My belly jiggles when I walk. It's disgusting. I've struggled with my weight ever since I was 18 and it just never gets easy. I weigh 197. I'm 5'8. According to my BMI, I'm not just overweight, I'm obese. I told my boyfriend that today and he refuses to believe it. I don't think he understands how much I need him to validate my wanting to lose weight. I know I'm fat, but he won't accept it. Now that we're all moved in, I am attempting to eat healthy or, at the very least, smaller portions. I went for a walk/run this morning. It was only for 15 minutes and I ran a total of a block, but I'm at least getting out and doing something. I'll start pushing myself more and more as I get more exercise under my belt. I'm so sick and tired of being fat. The irony of my weight gain became apparent when I got a letter in the mail. When I was a senior in high school, my English teacher had all of us write a letter to ourselves, which would be mailed 4 years later. It's now been 6 years since I wrote that letter, and the thing that I wrote that hits me hardest is "Don't gain weight." That's one thing I've failed. I'm desperate now. My mother is overweight and I do not want to get as bad as she is. I will win this battle, even if it takes my whole life. This has to be a life change - eating right, exercising and just making smart choices. It is difficult, but I need to do this for myself. There is no more "try". I WILL lose weight and be healthy.
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Hi Fatty,
ReplyDeleteHa! I couldn't resist. So you went to UCLA and got a degree in linguistics, huh? Good for you. I'm forced to respect you academically now. You know how much I hate that. Oh. I got your note on my barren (sorry for the homonym) blog. I don't know when you left it but this is me responding promptly, sort of speak. I hope you're well. I honestly do. For my part, I have mostly fond memories of you. Then, again, I remember the fit Becca. Zing again! I'm on a roll. Yeah, I'm still the same. I don't know where the line is here with us, not there is or was an 'us' us, if you know what I mean, but feel free to email me. This public forum is, well, public. Anyway, nothing salacious but I'm still a private person, so more genuine correspondence will have to be through email. It's an invitation.
Okay, they aren't homonyms, but I can't think of what they're called. You know, two words with different spellings but the same pronunciation. Whatever. Just write me back.
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